Friday, December 25, 2009

Saturday, December 19, 2009

life is about living.

To whom it may concern,

You. Yes you. This is my wake up call to you. Your eyes are filled with envy, your heart with worthless aches towards destructible things and your mind preoccupied with how to get more. More power. More material things: houses, property, jets, boats; all things that will eventually burn. It’ll burn bright and its ashes will rise above you as you remain with empty hands and an empty heart. Where did this drive towards material things orientate? When did more become better? The answer is less, my friend. Happiness is found in less. It is the secret that is becoming difficult to be heard. It’s being muffled by society, for society is whispering lies into your ears. It’s whispering, “You need more. You need to be at the top. More money. More glamour. This is the American dream.” It’s getting a tad redundant isn’t it? More, more, more. I’ve dwelled in the shadows and watched this madness for too long. I’ve seen you walking down the street, taking each step in your leather shoes with pride. I’ve seen you wear that grin of success almost as good as your overpriced threads on your back; but, my friend, your heart is a black hole. You’ve fallen into their trap. You see the billboards and you want they advertise, you have put your aspirations of the back burner to become “successful”, you smile at the number of zeros on your paycheck, and you’ve forgotten your element.

My friend, I have empathy for you. Society is the driving force behind your behavior. It makes it so appealing, doesn’t it? Living a beautiful life filled with success, money, and things sounds great. But, are you living? Can you feel your soul? Stop and feel. Imagine. Dig deep and discover your passions. That, my friend, is living. Turn off the television, don’t flood your mind with worthless gossip and don’t occupy your space with material things. I can see clearly the path that we are headed down. Society has our hand and it’s leading us. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, walking towards a superficial lifestyle. Are your eyes beginning to open? Do you realize how far you’ve fallen, how many steps you’ve taken? My friend, it’s reversible. Let go of the hand guiding you, stop in your tracks, turn around and run. Run towards love, simplicity, and art. Run towards companionship, laughter and new beginnings. Once you’ve run so far in the opposite direction stop and feel your heart. It’s alive.

You’ve been the victim. It’s the culprit that I fear. The culprit, who is injecting envy into our veins and breathing greed into our lungs. It displays images of useless plastics, urging us to believe we need it, it will bring us happiness. It convinces us that things can mend broken hearts, forgiveness can be bought. Love can be shown through diamonds and pearls. Stop buying into the lies; shield your eyes from the billboards that are mocking you every time you pass. Its attempt to mold me and you into mirror images of each other is sickening but yet becoming successful. The society sees you as a dollar sign. It markets its products to you in the most deceitful way and instills envy into your eyes. You want what you can’t have, covet your neighbors, and greed eats away at your soul. Greed. It’s a beast that society is feeding and you, my dear friend, have grown selfish. You spend extra hours at the office instead of home with your spouse with the excuse that you’re working for the future and you waste precious time on making an extra dollar. You’re losing family and friends but gaining things. Things that are covered with glitter, looks so glamorous and feels so glamorous only to be dusted off and revealed as absolute nothingness. Big cars can’t fill voids and big houses only make you realize empty space surrounding you. So, put down the credit card. Shut off the television. Discover what makes your heart beat fast. Learn your passion again. Close your ears to the media. Do you feel like your waking up?

Share the wealth. There’s enough of it, that’s for sure. The business men at the top drive their fancy cars giving off toxic fumes while children die from empty stomachs. It is pure selfishness; isn’t it, my friend? We have enough. Stop reaching for more, but instead distribute it. Society has made us believe that we always need more. Need. Not want. Need. What we need is for the world to stop hurting. Once the greed that is lurking inside our hearts is destroyed we can do better. Imagine a world that is fueled by happiness, joy and love, simplicity. I can see it. We can beat this, but it takes open eyes and a yearning heart. The oblivious need to be reached and the wealthy need to be called out.

I’m imagining a world where we give the clothes off our back to keep another warm, where neighbors help neighbors, where what’s mine is yours, where love is bursting through the hearts of every being and when I look into their eyes and see their soul. I believe this is the way that life was intended for us. It’s been destroyed by society. We’ve been robbed of our happiness and given fake temporary highs to satisfy us. Are you satisfied? Our natural instincts are being numbed, it’s confusing us. But, high always fade and we realize that emptiness is what remains. Society only has the power if we allow it to have it. My friend, I am making it my personal mission to reach out and change lives. I want you to feel alive. I want my ideas to spread across the sea, touching one life at a time. So, let go of the demon leading you. Breathe. Open your eyes and heart. Turn around. And run towards natural joy. Then smile, for you have won.

I’m asking you to join this movement. Discover life again. Don’t be left standing, stunned, as your materialistic things burn and its ashes dance around you mocking you. “You’ve been fooled.” Don’t be a fool.

Sincerely, A

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Life's all about taking steps. Steps to get from point A to point B. Steps in the right direction or the exact wrong one. Steps towards goals, dreams and love. I'm taking steps forward, putting each foot in front of the other to live the exact beautiful life that I want to live. Making changes and choices, being the best me that I can be. I'm living, breathing and grateful. Taking steps and leaving footprints; making a mark on people's lives. (December 13, 2009)
I'm searching for my passion for Spanish again. It got lost somewhere in between the homework assignments and exams. I miss the true beauty of the language and the unique culture of the speakers. I'm getting distracted by other things, I'm trying to direct my focus into so many different directions and the result is complete failure. I'm learning, discovering new passions, and my mind is constantly dreaming but I need to search within myself.. dig out what's real and put my heart and soul into it. The best way for me to do this is to write. Write until my fingers hurt, until my eyes can't stay open and until my mind stops screaming. I've had this relationship with writing since I was little. My entire life is documented into journals; I've spend many sleepless nights scribbling in my journal trying to figure out life and pouring my soul onto paper. So, I'm going to share some of my writing because it's something that I've always kept private. Whether it be through poetry or simple journal entries, I express myself better through unspoken words, always have and probably always will. Staring it off with a little poetry:

The Artificial Christmas (December 2004)
Fake santas and reindeer cluttering yards
Piles of superficial Christmas cards
Everyone has their painted on smile
Decorating with artistic style.

Plastic ornaments, artificial pines
Wrapping paper filled with unique designs.
Peppermint candy canes and eggnog too
Happy cheerful faces I see right through.

Bright white lights hand on every single house,
Inside people are dreaming for a spouse.
Christmas makes them feel bitter and alone,
Through their eyes loneliness is deeply shone.

Broken apart families try hard to cope
Their memories help them hold on to hope.
The happy atmosphere breaks hearts each time,
Crystal tears fall when the Christmas bell chimes.

Hopeless lovers wait under mistletoe,
Smiling and blushing making faces glow.
Waiting and wanting that simple sweet kiss,
They'd give it all for that second of bliss.

Malls are filled, but empty are the church pews.
Minds filled with materialistic views.
The meaning of Christmas has been forgot.
Everyone too caught up with what they bought.

Tell me when the Christmas tradition changed.
How did the Lord my Savior get exchanged?
Now it's all about the big guy in red.
It's not about birth, no, presents instead.

Christmas I fear, will never be the same.
It's a pity to see what it became.
Jesus is the reason always remember,
For this holiday, cold in December.

Europe Trip (Spain & France)
"Pace yourself" January 17th, 2009
I want to keep traveling, making memories, and seeing the beautiful world. Right now, today, I'm living the life I want. Even though I've ran out of clean clothes, legs are dry, and I may or may not smell (haha).. this is truly my dream. I feel like I belong here, I know it. I don't get these intense feelings from any other place in the world. It's here, Espana. I feel like a part of me has woken up, I'm ready to start my next journey in life.

July 8th, 2009
Summer is all about open windows, free spirits, heat, summer love, fresh food, beauty, laughs, grilling, swimming, fresh air.. it's time to live. Every second is a time to live, not to be wasted on complaining or sadness. I have to take what I have and make the most of it. Everyday we have a choice; so smile a little wider, bless someone, open your eyes and take a look around and realize the beautiful place we live in.

(((But... Summer 2009 didn't exactly turn out to be so awesome.)))
August 10th, 2009
I have never felt so refreshed and sad at the same time. I moved out of dad's and into Kara's (my sisters) house but my heart is torn and aching. I feel like I've abandoned my Dad there, I really have no reason to think this way because it's what he chose. In reality, he left me so why do I feel feeling his pain? I don't understand any of this and I haven't for months. I feel the hurt of his mistake for him; a hurt that he doesn't even feel. I dont know why I can't let it go but all I wanted from this summer was to form some kind of relationship with him and bring a glimmer of joy into his life. But apparently I have nothing that will please him, I need to give up and move on. There's too much happiness in this world to be feeling so low. Maybe this is the life he dreamed off and I just don't fit into it. I just want so badly to have a normal relationship with my father. Why? Why is this all so difficult for me now? I went 7 years and I've never felt the pain I'm feeling now, it's a constant pain that just sits in my chest and messes with my mind. I've lost track of all the things I'm trying about. I just miss him... or miss something.

December 30th, 2004
You communicate in apologies
To try to change your mistake
In order to clam your conscious
And cure your bitter awake.

You keep stuttering through excuses
Knowing the truth is right.
My lips will tell you I understand
But my eyes aren't as polite.

Because loneliness and heartache
Stream steadily down my face.
I burn you with all my glares
To try and put you in your place.

And this young teenage heart of mine
Can tell a bitter tale,
Of deception and rejection
In every single detail.

For your messy little affair
Wasn't as hushed as you thought.
Are you sorry for your infidelity,
Or just sorry you got caught?

Remedies come and go so quickly
But they always seem to fade.
But my sense can't forget you
Or how I was betrayed.

My eyes always will watch you
As you wear that sincere smile
I think your filled with regret
But I'm only living in denial.

And my ears will hear you
As you laugh with her out loud.
I'll cover my ears so tightly
And keep trying to make you proud.

I simply can't stand to know
That you're happier with her
Do your thoughts ever rewind to me,
Or how things once were?

In order to find happiness
You did what had to be done.
Now after all expenses paid
It seems guilt has begun.

But time can't be rewound
And forgiveness can't be bought.
Are you sorry for your infidelity,
Or just sorry you got caught?

Daddy, please just tell me truthfully
Because your my every other thought.
Are you sorry for your infidelity,
Or just sorry you got caught?

October 22nd
I'm way too emotional. Way too different. Re-evalutaing different aspects of my life and what it is i'm looking for. What do I personally want out of life? I don't want the "self" society creates. I want me; flooded with emotion and love. Individuality. Me. With all my flaws, all my aspirations, no limits, no worries. A life of adventure and new experiences each day.

Half was written on July 13th,2008.. half written tonight.
The Mexican sunset lacks it's magic
When your watching it alone.
But it gives you time to finally feel
All those emotions left unknown.

You'll feel the ache of loneliness
That lurks in your stomach deep
And you'll feel that salty air you breathe
And salty tear upon your cheek.

You'll see the lone pair of footprints
That follow you in the sand.
And looking down you'll notice
You're left with empty hands.

But it's the city buzz of New York
That keeps you on your toes.
Losing yourself in a sea of people,
As the city light constantly grows.

But nocturnal cries of loneliness,
They echo across the ocean.
From the Atlantic to Pacific
Everyone's looking for that devotion.

So, there's a tiny insight to my actual journal entries. I have hundreds of notebook pages filled with heartbreak, poetry, inspiration, song lyrics, confusion, and love. All compiled from sleepless nights and a racing mind. :)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

enjoying simple things

Photo shoot with mamacita.

& baking cookies.

Life is good.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Belleza en todo.

Don’t waste your words and don’t waste your moments.
No pierdas tus palabras y no pierdas tus momentos.
Mi corazón está en Sevilla todavía. Miré algunas fotos esta mañana y me duele el corazón. No puedo creer que yo viví la vida de los Sevillanos dos anos pasado. Una vida despacio, con aventura.. la vida bellísima. Siento que cuando estaba en España o cualquier país yo puedo ver la belleza en todo y tengo una perspectiva completamente diferente de mi perspectiva en Estados Unidos. Decidía que quiero cambiarla. No quiero perder mis palabras ni mis momentos. Tiempo es corto, la vida es increíble.. hay oportunidades detrás de los puertos. Abre los puertos y sigue el corazón.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

smile like you mean it.

Life is good right now. After a great Thanksgiving break with family & friends I realized that I've been missing something. I feel like I secluded myself in La Crosse in a way. I stopped putting myself out there to make more friends, I'm not exactly sure why I did this but I'm guessing it's because I just got tired of making new friends after transferring colleges two times. I am my best me when i'm surrounded by awesome people. I prefer to be in a group rather than be alone. I'm not saying that I've made zero friends here, because that's not true at all. I've met awesome people here, I just have only established concrete friendships with about three or four of them. So i'm done being the shy girl (and for those that know me Mom, Grans, Auntie, Kara that may sound hilarious because you KNOW i'm not shy;) ) I'm going to keep things interesting, one of the great parts of life is meeting new people. When I traveled in Spain and France last semester I had a special page in my journal just for the people that I met to sign and on the top of the page I wrote the quote, "It's not about the places you go but the people you meet." Which is 100% true, my European adventures wouldn't have been half as memorable without the people I met. So cheers to los amigos, new & old :)

I'm also trying to change my outlook on running. Sometimes I put too much pressure on my running, I let it define me in a way. I feel like I give it too much power in my life, so i'm taking a step back. I'm still going to run, race, and continue to a live healthy lifestyle. I just want to keep it a small portion of my life. If I can't run a day, oh well. If I completely bomb a race, shake it off! I need to have running in my life but I don't want it to be anywhere near the top of my priority list anymore. There's so many things that constitutes me: Spanish, music, education, travel, photography, writing.. I'm a runner, but I'm also many other things. So, I'm keeping my mileage at 30-40 miles per week, running only 5 days a week, and doing it because it makes me smile.
Tonight I ran with my friend Cherie before I had to run off to the Library. It was great to have someone to talk to and it's a lot less difficult to run in freezing weather when your not alone. We are going to try to run together more often, keep each other motivated throughout the chilly months.

Things I'm obsessing about this week:
  • Death cab, Johnny Cash, John Mayer, Old Crow Medicine Show & Ben Harper have been playing non-stop. <333>
  • My Costa Rican Vacation is only 22 days away & as of right now the only thing I have is a plane ticket.. it'll make for a good adventure right?
  • Ecotopia - Great book
  • My new blog layout (not really layout just change of picture. haha) I struggled with the correct way to spell "travelling". Traveling is the American way to spell it and travelling is the Britain way. Since I'm miss international wanna be, I decided the Brits way trumps ours. :)
    And, that's all for tonight.