Sunday, December 13, 2009

Retro

Life's all about taking steps. Steps to get from point A to point B. Steps in the right direction or the exact wrong one. Steps towards goals, dreams and love. I'm taking steps forward, putting each foot in front of the other to live the exact beautiful life that I want to live. Making changes and choices, being the best me that I can be. I'm living, breathing and grateful. Taking steps and leaving footprints; making a mark on people's lives. (December 13, 2009)
I'm searching for my passion for Spanish again. It got lost somewhere in between the homework assignments and exams. I miss the true beauty of the language and the unique culture of the speakers. I'm getting distracted by other things, I'm trying to direct my focus into so many different directions and the result is complete failure. I'm learning, discovering new passions, and my mind is constantly dreaming but I need to search within myself.. dig out what's real and put my heart and soul into it. The best way for me to do this is to write. Write until my fingers hurt, until my eyes can't stay open and until my mind stops screaming. I've had this relationship with writing since I was little. My entire life is documented into journals; I've spend many sleepless nights scribbling in my journal trying to figure out life and pouring my soul onto paper. So, I'm going to share some of my writing because it's something that I've always kept private. Whether it be through poetry or simple journal entries, I express myself better through unspoken words, always have and probably always will. Staring it off with a little poetry:

The Artificial Christmas (December 2004)
Fake santas and reindeer cluttering yards
Piles of superficial Christmas cards
Everyone has their painted on smile
Decorating with artistic style.

Plastic ornaments, artificial pines
Wrapping paper filled with unique designs.
Peppermint candy canes and eggnog too
Happy cheerful faces I see right through.

Bright white lights hand on every single house,
Inside people are dreaming for a spouse.
Christmas makes them feel bitter and alone,
Through their eyes loneliness is deeply shone.

Broken apart families try hard to cope
Their memories help them hold on to hope.
The happy atmosphere breaks hearts each time,
Crystal tears fall when the Christmas bell chimes.

Hopeless lovers wait under mistletoe,
Smiling and blushing making faces glow.
Waiting and wanting that simple sweet kiss,
They'd give it all for that second of bliss.

Malls are filled, but empty are the church pews.
Minds filled with materialistic views.
The meaning of Christmas has been forgot.
Everyone too caught up with what they bought.

Tell me when the Christmas tradition changed.
How did the Lord my Savior get exchanged?
Now it's all about the big guy in red.
It's not about birth, no, presents instead.

Christmas I fear, will never be the same.
It's a pity to see what it became.
Jesus is the reason always remember,
For this holiday, cold in December.

Europe Trip (Spain & France)
"Pace yourself" January 17th, 2009
I want to keep traveling, making memories, and seeing the beautiful world. Right now, today, I'm living the life I want. Even though I've ran out of clean clothes, legs are dry, and I may or may not smell (haha).. this is truly my dream. I feel like I belong here, I know it. I don't get these intense feelings from any other place in the world. It's here, Espana. I feel like a part of me has woken up, I'm ready to start my next journey in life.

July 8th, 2009
Summer is all about open windows, free spirits, heat, summer love, fresh food, beauty, laughs, grilling, swimming, fresh air.. it's time to live. Every second is a time to live, not to be wasted on complaining or sadness. I have to take what I have and make the most of it. Everyday we have a choice; so smile a little wider, bless someone, open your eyes and take a look around and realize the beautiful place we live in.

(((But... Summer 2009 didn't exactly turn out to be so awesome.)))
August 10th, 2009
I have never felt so refreshed and sad at the same time. I moved out of dad's and into Kara's (my sisters) house but my heart is torn and aching. I feel like I've abandoned my Dad there, I really have no reason to think this way because it's what he chose. In reality, he left me so why do I feel feeling his pain? I don't understand any of this and I haven't for months. I feel the hurt of his mistake for him; a hurt that he doesn't even feel. I dont know why I can't let it go but all I wanted from this summer was to form some kind of relationship with him and bring a glimmer of joy into his life. But apparently I have nothing that will please him, I need to give up and move on. There's too much happiness in this world to be feeling so low. Maybe this is the life he dreamed off and I just don't fit into it. I just want so badly to have a normal relationship with my father. Why? Why is this all so difficult for me now? I went 7 years and I've never felt the pain I'm feeling now, it's a constant pain that just sits in my chest and messes with my mind. I've lost track of all the things I'm trying about. I just miss him... or miss something.

December 30th, 2004
You communicate in apologies
To try to change your mistake
In order to clam your conscious
And cure your bitter awake.

You keep stuttering through excuses
Knowing the truth is right.
My lips will tell you I understand
But my eyes aren't as polite.

Because loneliness and heartache
Stream steadily down my face.
I burn you with all my glares
To try and put you in your place.

And this young teenage heart of mine
Can tell a bitter tale,
Of deception and rejection
In every single detail.

For your messy little affair
Wasn't as hushed as you thought.
Are you sorry for your infidelity,
Or just sorry you got caught?

Remedies come and go so quickly
But they always seem to fade.
But my sense can't forget you
Or how I was betrayed.

My eyes always will watch you
As you wear that sincere smile
I think your filled with regret
But I'm only living in denial.

And my ears will hear you
As you laugh with her out loud.
I'll cover my ears so tightly
And keep trying to make you proud.

I simply can't stand to know
That you're happier with her
Do your thoughts ever rewind to me,
Or how things once were?

In order to find happiness
You did what had to be done.
Now after all expenses paid
It seems guilt has begun.

But time can't be rewound
And forgiveness can't be bought.
Are you sorry for your infidelity,
Or just sorry you got caught?

Daddy, please just tell me truthfully
Because your my every other thought.
Are you sorry for your infidelity,
Or just sorry you got caught?

October 22nd
I'm way too emotional. Way too different. Re-evalutaing different aspects of my life and what it is i'm looking for. What do I personally want out of life? I don't want the "self" society creates. I want me; flooded with emotion and love. Individuality. Me. With all my flaws, all my aspirations, no limits, no worries. A life of adventure and new experiences each day.

Half was written on July 13th,2008.. half written tonight.
The Mexican sunset lacks it's magic
When your watching it alone.
But it gives you time to finally feel
All those emotions left unknown.

You'll feel the ache of loneliness
That lurks in your stomach deep
And you'll feel that salty air you breathe
And salty tear upon your cheek.

You'll see the lone pair of footprints
That follow you in the sand.
And looking down you'll notice
You're left with empty hands.

But it's the city buzz of New York
That keeps you on your toes.
Losing yourself in a sea of people,
As the city light constantly grows.

But nocturnal cries of loneliness,
They echo across the ocean.
From the Atlantic to Pacific
Everyone's looking for that devotion.

...
So, there's a tiny insight to my actual journal entries. I have hundreds of notebook pages filled with heartbreak, poetry, inspiration, song lyrics, confusion, and love. All compiled from sleepless nights and a racing mind. :)
-A

3 comments:

Rhonda said...

What a talented and emotional daughter I have. Your entries really made me think in a way I have not thought in a long time...DEEP. Thank you for sharing them. The one about your Dad made me cry...why did he leave us????? I guess we will never really know.

Love you with all my heart!!!!!

Your MOM FOREVER

Stephanie Perleberg said...

Alyssa,
Damnnnnnn girl! That's great stuff and I'm so glad you decided to share your thoughtd to the world. You challenge the world and traditional thought, which is something I admire about you. Ordinary is something that could never describe your spirit. Keep writing and keep sharing, it will change the world!

Kronlund Family said...

Many similarities, made me cry too. Love you guys!