Sunday, November 23, 2008

Questions & Answers

"If you're not getting answers, ask better questions.."
I know there's an answer. I can't stop my brain from thinking about absolutely everything. Kind of a weird/emo analogy but I feel like life is a big Q&A and up until this point i've just been asking questions, now i'm getting my straight up answers. You can search and search for an answer that you want to hear or, in the words of cartel, you can start asking better questions. Maybe the aspect in your life that you are always questioning is something that just doesn't have an answer. Your answer is actually an entirely different question. Think about it. :)

"You wont find out until someone stands out, there you'll get some answers"

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

something I can't get my head around.

The premise is that we all want to love and be loved but it usually does not last forever. However it does not diminish those beautiful moments we spend together as they are ours forever.

forever. The one thing that we can keep forever is our memories, good or bad. In reality, "passions" fade. We find new interests, change our personalities, simply "grow up".. I'm not talking specifically about relationships but rather something that i've noticed about myself lately.
I've kept journals since 8th grade..i've carefully documented all my bizarre emotions i've felt over the years. As I read back I keep asking myself "What happened to ME?? I used to feel emotions so strongly, I would pour my thoughts out onto paper until the wee hours of the morning, cry for hours and as I read my old entries I can't believe how passionate I was. I felt everything so strongly. Now, I barely cry, I look at life more as a routine, and I feel like my "passionate" side is gone. I feel dull. I know that it's part of growing up, but just because this is what's "supposed" to happen doesn't mean it has to. I want to feel things like I used to. I want music to make my heart ache, beautiful sights to take my breath away, movies to make me cry, running to make me feel ecstatic & unstoppable ... all these wonderful emotions. I want to feel them to their full extent. As I read things I wrote years ago, I can't believe that someone so young could be so wise. It was simply because I didn't know better. HA! I thought I could do anything, be anyone, and just lived one day at a time. I think we can all learn a lesson from our younger selves. We need to slow down..think about the stuff that makes us happy, dream and believe they can come true, and be who we truly are. I've realized that it's all about accepting ourselves and our life, once who do that.. Happiness will follow.

Here's a little retro-blog post. I wrote this a couple years ago in my personal journal:
Tomorrow i'm one year older, nothing to get excited about but this past year i've changed so much. I can honestly say that i've found myself and I am happy with who I am. I am not the smartest..nor the dumbest, skinniest or fattest, I may not be able to name the government branches but I can babble on for hours in Spanish. I'm starting to finally accept who I am and that is the best birthday present I could ask for. I love my life and I feel like i'm on the right path with everything. Not just career wise but my attitude as well. I'm working on moving upwards and I know I have the strength to do it. Determination is all it takes and I have a lot of it. :) :)

Basically, this is the reason for my "emo" blog posts. I'm trying to express all these feelings instead of keeping them inside. Besides, "blogging" or "journaling" has never been about writing about daily activities.. it's about my emotions. This sudden change in attitude could be due to the fact i've changed my room around so my desk is facing the window (lots of inspiration, seriously), maybe because of my obsession with Angels & Airwaves's lyrics, or because running is becoming easy and uplifting again, ooorrr because i'm starting to feel something I havn't felt in A LONG TIME. :)! I'll leave everyone to wonder.

"And I don’t know and I cant guess if it’s gonna be OK but now, my last wish is that you do this with me"

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Life's waiting to begin

Emotions are in full swing.. I'm just going to open my heart and let the words flow through the keyboard. *Deep breath* Here it goes:

We're all on this adventure..the big adventure of life. We get off track, get lost..but ultimately we control it. We control who we let into our lives, who we pick as our role models, what decisions we make, we control our actions and we decide which paths to take on our adventure. My adventure thus far in my life has mostly been watching the others around me. I watched as my family fell apart, I saw my Mom be strong and brave, my sister get married and start a career, my brother recently screw up his life (hope he doesn't read this BAAHH..), my mom and my dad find love again, and all the while I've observed and now I feel like it's my life's waiting to begin. I want to do it right, no wrong turns or slip ups. I need to live my life, pursue my passions, follow my dreams, find love, be successful and I intent on doing all these things. But how can I be so sure that it will be that easy? I could get through school and realize it's going to be a big struggle to pay all my bills or end up giving my heart away and getting it crushed. Are these common disappointments "set backs" or are they part of the adventure that takes you further on a path of improvement? It's easy to have a terrible thing happen in your life and feel just completely broken but we need to brush it off, no matter how hard it is and move on. Believe in ourselves and have faith that this bad will bring better. I feel like all the bad in my life so far has shaped me into what I am today. My parents divorce was my first "set back", of course I was young, but I remember it all. It's funny because I couldn't tell you any other significant events during that time..I just remember feeling confused. I was too young to know what was going on, but I knew it was bad. As I grew into an emotional teenager, I became bitter. I would write in journals for hours because I had too many emotions to handle, I cried the tears I should have been crying years earlier, and I didn't understand why. How could all this bad be better for me?? Instead of crying, hiding my feelings about the situation or writing endless journal entries, I should have been dealing and accepting my new life. I feel this experience, although I was young, formed me into who I am today. I realize the importance of not settling for anything but the best but yet be ready for a let down. No matter how perfect things may seem, it's never set in stone.
My heart has just felt heavy these past couple of days. It almost feels anxious in a way. I'm growing up extremely fast and the responsibilities are piling on. That's beside the point, I just want to say: We can change our lives, the blessings are waiting..sometimes we just have to be strong enough to act upon it. :) :) :) My adventure is getting more and more interesting with every passing day and I believe i'm on the right path and you can be too.

"I'm the first to know, my dearest friends, even if your hope has burned with time. Anything that's dead shall be regrown and your vicious pain, your warning sign
You will be fine."


Wednesday, November 12, 2008



I know I have been MIA for awhile, i'll try to get better with the updating! I'm beginning to feel a lot better lately, the only thing mono is effecting is my running. I've been only doing about 3 miles a day but it's tough for me. First off, I get dizzy and extremely sleepy tired. Second, it's really difficult for me to face the fact that 3 miles is going to be difficult for me for awhile since i'm used to running 5-10 miles a day. Regardless, i'm starting week 1 of my marathon training. Amy and I found a training guide online so we're going to follow it. It starts pretty easy so i'm assuming I can handle it. I'm sure i'll be struggling through the next couple weeks but i'll get back to my old self eventually.

I register for my next semester classes next week and it's not looking good. The classes that I need to get into are already filling. If I can't get into my classes i'm pretty much screwed. So, next week i'm sure i'll be stressed to the max trying to put together my schedule (even more than I already am). I hate school, part of me can't wait until it's all over but i'm not sure i'm ready for all the responsibilities yet.

Speaking of school I've got an project I really need to be working on right now. Kind of interesting so I really don't mind it, it's all about Spanish art which I love. I swear though my life is in constant motion it seems like. I did get some time to relax this weekend though, that was much needed. (Thanks Mom!) This is a boring update, but I live a boring life. I'll try to make my life more eventful. :) Here's some pictures from Halloween.
My best friends and I were cavewomen.

I should really be a hair stylist. HA!

My roommate Whitney's Boyfriend, His twin, Whit and I.

That's all I got for today. Enjoy the rainy