Wednesday, November 19, 2008

something I can't get my head around.

The premise is that we all want to love and be loved but it usually does not last forever. However it does not diminish those beautiful moments we spend together as they are ours forever.

forever. The one thing that we can keep forever is our memories, good or bad. In reality, "passions" fade. We find new interests, change our personalities, simply "grow up".. I'm not talking specifically about relationships but rather something that i've noticed about myself lately.
I've kept journals since 8th grade..i've carefully documented all my bizarre emotions i've felt over the years. As I read back I keep asking myself "What happened to ME?? I used to feel emotions so strongly, I would pour my thoughts out onto paper until the wee hours of the morning, cry for hours and as I read my old entries I can't believe how passionate I was. I felt everything so strongly. Now, I barely cry, I look at life more as a routine, and I feel like my "passionate" side is gone. I feel dull. I know that it's part of growing up, but just because this is what's "supposed" to happen doesn't mean it has to. I want to feel things like I used to. I want music to make my heart ache, beautiful sights to take my breath away, movies to make me cry, running to make me feel ecstatic & unstoppable ... all these wonderful emotions. I want to feel them to their full extent. As I read things I wrote years ago, I can't believe that someone so young could be so wise. It was simply because I didn't know better. HA! I thought I could do anything, be anyone, and just lived one day at a time. I think we can all learn a lesson from our younger selves. We need to slow down..think about the stuff that makes us happy, dream and believe they can come true, and be who we truly are. I've realized that it's all about accepting ourselves and our life, once who do that.. Happiness will follow.

Here's a little retro-blog post. I wrote this a couple years ago in my personal journal:
Tomorrow i'm one year older, nothing to get excited about but this past year i've changed so much. I can honestly say that i've found myself and I am happy with who I am. I am not the smartest..nor the dumbest, skinniest or fattest, I may not be able to name the government branches but I can babble on for hours in Spanish. I'm starting to finally accept who I am and that is the best birthday present I could ask for. I love my life and I feel like i'm on the right path with everything. Not just career wise but my attitude as well. I'm working on moving upwards and I know I have the strength to do it. Determination is all it takes and I have a lot of it. :) :)

Basically, this is the reason for my "emo" blog posts. I'm trying to express all these feelings instead of keeping them inside. Besides, "blogging" or "journaling" has never been about writing about daily activities.. it's about my emotions. This sudden change in attitude could be due to the fact i've changed my room around so my desk is facing the window (lots of inspiration, seriously), maybe because of my obsession with Angels & Airwaves's lyrics, or because running is becoming easy and uplifting again, ooorrr because i'm starting to feel something I havn't felt in A LONG TIME. :)! I'll leave everyone to wonder.

"And I don’t know and I cant guess if it’s gonna be OK but now, my last wish is that you do this with me"

1 comment:

Rhonda said...

You go girl :) Just wanted to tell you hi and that I love you....MOM