"If you're not getting answers, ask better questions.." I know there's an answer. I can't stop my brain from thinking about absolutely everything. Kind of a weird/emo analogy but I feel like life is a big Q&A and up until this point i've just been asking questions, now i'm getting my straight up answers. You can search and search for an answer that you want to hear or, in the words of cartel, you can start asking better questions. Maybe the aspect in your life that you are always questioning is something that just doesn't have an answer. Your answer is actually an entirely different question. Think about it. :)
"You wont find out until someone stands out, there you'll get some answers"
The premise is that we all want to love and be loved but it usually does not last forever. However it does not diminish those beautiful moments we spend together as they are ours forever.
forever. The one thing that we can keep forever is our memories, good or bad. In reality, "passions" fade. We find new interests, change our personalities, simply "grow up".. I'm not talking specifically about relationships but rather something that i've noticed about myself lately. I've kept journals since 8th grade..i've carefully documented all my bizarre emotions i've felt over the years. As I read back I keep asking myself "What happened to ME?? I used to feel emotions so strongly, I would pour my thoughts out onto paper until the wee hours of the morning, cry for hours and as I read my old entries I can't believe how passionate I was. I felt everything so strongly. Now, I barely cry, I look at life more as a routine, and I feel like my "passionate" side is gone. I feel dull. I know that it's part of growing up, but just because this is what's "supposed" to happen doesn't mean it has to. I want to feel things like I used to. I want music to make my heart ache, beautiful sights to take my breath away, movies to make me cry, running to make me feel ecstatic & unstoppable ... all these wonderful emotions. I want to feel them to their full extent. As I read things I wrote years ago, I can't believe that someone so young could be so wise. It was simply because I didn't know better. HA! I thought I could do anything, be anyone, and just lived one day at a time. I think we can all learn a lesson from our younger selves. We need to slow down..think about the stuff that makes us happy, dream and believe they can come true, and be who we truly are. I've realized that it's all about accepting ourselves and our life, once who do that.. Happiness will follow.
Here's a little retro-blog post. I wrote this a couple years ago in my personal journal: Tomorrow i'm one year older, nothing to get excited about but this past year i've changed so much. I can honestly say that i've found myself and I am happy with who I am. I am not the smartest..nor the dumbest, skinniest or fattest, I may not be able to name the government branches but I can babble on for hours in Spanish. I'm starting to finally accept who I am and that is the best birthday present I could ask for. I love my life and I feel like i'm on the right path with everything. Not just career wise but my attitude as well. I'm working on moving upwards and I know I have the strength to do it. Determination is all it takes and I have a lot of it. :) :)
Basically, this is the reason for my "emo" blog posts. I'm trying to express all these feelings instead of keeping them inside. Besides, "blogging" or "journaling" has never been about writing about daily activities.. it's about my emotions. This sudden change in attitude could be due to the fact i've changed my room around so my desk is facing the window (lots of inspiration, seriously), maybe because of my obsession with Angels & Airwaves's lyrics, or because running is becoming easy and uplifting again, ooorrr because i'm starting to feel something I havn't felt in A LONG TIME. :)! I'll leave everyone to wonder.
"And I don’t know and I cant guess if it’s gonna be OK but now, my last wish is that you do this with me"
Emotions are in full swing.. I'm just going to open my heart and let the words flow through the keyboard. *Deep breath* Here it goes:
We're all on this adventure..the big adventure of life. We get off track, get lost..but ultimately we control it. We control who we let into our lives, who we pick as our role models, what decisions we make, we control our actions and we decide which paths to take on our adventure. My adventure thus far in my life has mostly been watching the others around me. I watched as my family fell apart, I saw my Mom be strong and brave, my sister get married and start a career, my brother recently screw up his life (hope he doesn't read this BAAHH..), my mom and my dad find love again, and all the while I've observed and now I feel like it's my turn..my life's waiting to begin. I want to do it right, no wrong turns or slip ups. I need to live my life, pursue my passions, follow my dreams, find love, be successful and I intent on doing all these things. But how can I be so sure that it will be that easy? I could get through school and realize it's going to be a big struggle to pay all my bills or end up giving my heart away and getting it crushed. Are these common disappointments "set backs" or are they part of the adventure that takes you further on a path of improvement? It's easy to have a terrible thing happen in your life and feel just completely broken but we need to brush it off, no matter how hard it is and move on. Believe in ourselves and have faith that this bad will bring better. I feel like all the bad in my life so far has shaped me into what I am today. My parents divorce was my first "set back", of course I was young, but I remember it all. It's funny because I couldn't tell you any other significant events during that time..I just remember feeling confused. I was too young to know what was going on, but I knew it was bad. As I grew into an emotional teenager, I became bitter. I would write in journals for hours because I had too many emotions to handle, I cried the tears I should have been crying years earlier, and I didn't understand why. How could all this bad be better for me?? Instead of crying, hiding my feelings about the situation or writing endless journal entries, I should have been dealing and accepting my new life. I feel this experience, although I was young, formed me into who I am today. I realize the importance of not settling for anything but the best but yet be ready for a let down. No matter how perfect things may seem, it's never set in stone. My heart has just felt heavy these past couple of days. It almost feels anxious in a way. I'm growing up extremely fast and the responsibilities are piling on. That's beside the point, I just want to say: We can change our lives, the blessings are waiting..sometimes we just have to be strong enough to act upon it. :) :) :) My adventure is getting more and more interesting with every passing day and I believe i'm on the right path and you can be too.
"I'm the first to know, my dearest friends, even if your hope has burned with time. Anything that's dead shall be regrown and your vicious pain, your warning sign You will be fine."
I know I have been MIA for awhile, i'll try to get better with the updating! I'm beginning to feel a lot better lately, the only thing mono is effecting is my running. I've been only doing about 3 miles a day but it's tough for me. First off, I get dizzy and extremely sleepy tired. Second, it's really difficult for me to face the fact that 3 miles is going to be difficult for me for awhile since i'm used to running 5-10 miles a day. Regardless, i'm starting week 1 of my marathon training. Amy and I found a training guide online so we're going to follow it. It starts pretty easy so i'm assuming I can handle it. I'm sure i'll be struggling through the next couple weeks but i'll get back to my old self eventually.
I register for my next semester classes next week and it's not looking good. The classes that I need to get into are already filling. If I can't get into my classes i'm pretty much screwed. So, next week i'm sure i'll be stressed to the max trying to put together my schedule (even more than I already am). I hate school, part of me can't wait until it's all over but i'm not sure i'm ready for all the responsibilities yet.
Speaking of school I've got an project I really need to be working on right now. Kind of interesting so I really don't mind it, it's all about Spanish art which I love. I swear though my life is in constant motion it seems like. I did get some time to relax this weekend though, that was much needed. (Thanks Mom!) This is a boring update, but I live a boring life. I'll try to make my life more eventful. :) Here's some pictures from Halloween. My best friends and I were cavewomen. I should really be a hair stylist. HA! My roommate Whitney's Boyfriend, His twin, Whit and I. That's all I got for today. Enjoy the rainy weather...boo
..coffee does absolutely nothing to help you stay awake, there is no burst of energy after drinking one whole pot, & basically the only thing you get out of it is a tummy ache.
..your schedule is suddenly open. One less class to worry about plus no running equals about 4 extra hours each day.
..you begin to dread naps. Not just because you are sick of them but because every time you wake up it feels like someone has dragged you across the state behind a semi truck.
^My current Mononucleosis drama in a nut shell. I'm awake, showered, went to my first & only class of the day, and now i'm just going to enjoy the remainder of the day by doing homework. It's smooth sailing the rest of the week but next week I have 3 exams and one of them is extremely important. Good news though, Last week around this time I felt like death, i'd say on a scale of 1-10 I was probably a 3. A week, hours of sleep later, many pills, and inactivity has increases this number to about a 7. Woohoo! Thank you Predisone! Since the Mono problem is almost better, I now just have to focus on my aching back. It's not getting better at all, last night I laid in bed almost in tears because it hurt so unbelievably bad & my leg still "tingles" all the time. I'm going to try going to my old chiropractor in Spooner this weekend, maybe he can let me know what's up..otherwise i'm thinking I need to go to an Orthopedic Doctor because this is just not healing on it's own. So, What have I learned from all of this? I need job with great medical benefits because inevitably there will always be something wrong with me.
Good Morning!, after my hectic day yesterday I came home and crashed. I slept a great ten hours last night so i'm feeling very refreshed this morning. Which is very much needed because like usual I have lots to accomplish. I have class, homework, chiropractor appointment, take home exam, and I really want to go for a nice long walk. This no exercise kick is making me go crazy. Yesterday I did get some good news at the doctor. She said that I can start running as early as next week! :) Although I may feel extremely tired at first, i'll eventually get better. I won't be making myself any worse by running as long as I keep it easy & slow. I do have to avoid contact sports for another three weeks (because of my spleen) which doesn't really matter to me since I don't participate in any. So, I just have to take it easy for the remainder of the week and then next week I can RUN. Hopefully I won't have any problems with my leg. It seems like it's just never-ending with me. UUGGHH. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude BUT i'm sick of drinking juice, the utter word of soup makes me want to vomit, my legs are getting restless, coffee doesn't work, & sleeping is getting boring. I HATE MONONUCLEOSIS. Good News: I got a 100 % on my concert report, my Spanish test was fairly easy, I'm going to starbucks today, and I only have one class today which means lots of time for NAPPING in between all the other bazillion things I need to do. Yahhoo..
PICTURE TIME!
More pictures from this weekend. It was extremely foggy Saturday morning for the cross country meet. Sucked for the runners but it looked pretty cool. Amy & I spectating, jealous that we weren't running with everyone. :( Birthday Girl & I. Out to dinner at Tequilas for Sara's Birthday. Well, that's all for now. It's time to get my butt in motion. I'm procrastinating starting my day, not exactly the best way to get started. Ha! By the way, WHERE IS THE TIME GOING?! It's October 21st already, pretty soon there will be SNOW on the ground. Is it too early to start listening to Christmas music?! haha, I may just have to bust some out today. I'm feeling festive, which reminds me I need to crave a pumpkin ASAP. SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME, TOO MANY NAPS. BYEEE!
Event Staff at cross country meet this morning. The inside joke here is to cover my mouth to avoid spreading Mono :(
Adventures with Mononucleosis
Sleep.Take pills.Drink juice.Feel nauseated.Drink juice.Sleep.Try to eat.Sleep.REPEAT. <<- My current life in a nutshell. However, I am keeping a positive attitude about this entire situation & why should I not be keeping positive? I'm still extremely lucky besides this whole setback. It could be worse What I am looking forward to: -Doctors appointment Monday for a check up and change my meds. (I've been getting extremely nauseous and feel just nasty taking the ones I'm on). The joys of being allergic to penicillin. -I'm looking forward to ROCKING my Spanish Exam on Monday. Whole extra weekend to study, HECK YES! (The test was actually on Friday but because of my good friend Mono, I got it postponed until Monday) Speaking of Monday, I dont know how my exhausted body is going to handle Monday. Here is my schedule: Class: 7:25-10:50, Spanish test:11:00-11:55,Doctors appointment:12:00-12:50, Spanish class:1:10-2:05, Tutoring:2:15-7:00 & from then on i'll probably pass.out.cold. -I'm looking forward to running again and actually being healthy this time around. This time off (i'm hoping it's only two weeks) will not only heal my Mono but maybe it will give my leg time to fully recover. I'll be a running machine when I get over this. Heck yes!!! After I recover from this it's vitamins daily, health food EVERYDAY, plenty of sleep and smart training. I REFUSE to get injured or sick again! -Even though I'm sick i'm still able to hang out with my buddies this weekend so that's awesome! We had so much fun last night, even though afterwards I felt like I had been run over my a large semi truck. -Amy and I went to the Cross Country race this morning. It was AWESOME. I'm 100 % positive that i'm running for the team next year. I just love the cross country atmosphere so much! I miss it terribly. Racing is such an insane, amazing feeling. We "volunteered" but mostly we just ran around wearing the spiffy bright yellow jackets and pretended to be important. We had a lot of good laughs this morning. -I'm looking forward to one last thing but that's a surprise, Can't talk about it yet :)!
I've had a really productive day so far. I'm doing a terrible job getting ten hours of a sleep a night though which is why once I finish this i'm going to nap like i've never napped before. ha! I did finish my concert report and did a little Spanish Studying. I'm so happy that I have all day tomorrow to just get myself organized. I'm going to sleep, study, & relax. Stress-free day before a stressful week! I feel so much better just knowing what is wrong with me instead of just wondering and thinking i'm just lazy & dumb. Ha! This too shall pass. Just like my hip flexor injury, asthma, pitched nerve, fractured spine.... Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend. Someone please go for a run for me! :)
